"If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to people telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it."
[i really wish we were back to the way we used to be.
back when you used to call me “baby” and joke about us getting married.]
i found a picture, from back then. someone snapped one of us, looking into each others eyes and laughing. i remember that night. i was dancing in the kitchen and you came in from shoveling the driveway. i can’t remember what the hell we were laughing about. my sister saw the picture and she said if she didn’t know better, if she didn’t know us, she would’ve thought it was a picture of two people in love. she said we looked like a couple, and that if she had to photograph a couple she would have them pose exactly how we were.
[i’m not sure what to do, when all i can think about is you.]
were we in love? i don’t think so. you said you once thought you had an idea of what love was but you realized you were wrong. you said you didn’t think you’d ever really been in love. i used to think i loved you. days like these are when i wonder about that. days like these are when i wonder about you. i’ve been having a lot of these days lately. maybe one too many.
i got things to do, ya know? i’ve got a life to live-you’re taking up to much of my time. it shouldn’t be this way. it really doesn’t make sense. you consume every minute of my day, and i don’t get anything done. and i know its all my fault. shit i need to get it together. and im trying.
[fuck, im really trying.]
it’s so hard, to get you off my mind. for the past four days i’ve done nothing, but lie in bed and think about you. and i would apologize, but you always said i apologize too much.
[im sorry. (dammit)]
i guess it wouldn’t hurt, to ask for just one more piece of advice. you were never to good at loving me, but you were always good at giving me advice. what should i do when i can’t get over someone i was never with? i would say we broke up but we were never together…what were we anyways? help me out, i need some fucking closure. i can’t keep living like this.
[i’m sick of you being the only thing i think about.]
i miss you. i guess. i haven’t seen you in 4 weeks (gosh i think that’s a record). when i came over to visit your mother, you were out with your friends. your father was pissed, he said you hadn’t been around. i wanted to call you and tell you to get your ass home. i wanted to call you and tell you to come help take care of your mother…i wanted to call you and tell you to come see me.
i want to see you, to hug you, to tell you i’m mad at you.
i want to go out for burgers, and hear about everything, that’s happening with school and your job. i want to watch movies with you, and listen to music, and laugh about pineapples. i want you to hear you laugh, i want you to call me “crazy” and tell me i’m “wild.”
[i want to tell you i miss you.]
but what would it matter? it wouldn’t. it’s over. its done. whatever we had, the little that it was, is gone.
[and im stuck trying to get over someone i never had.]
i’m trying to study for my exams. i’m trying to stop listening to sad songs. i’m trying to drag myself out of bed. but every time i try to study, i get stuck thinking about when you told me to make sure i do well in school. and not worry about boys. and then i feel like a fucking failure. every time i try to stop listening to sad songs, i remember the song you wrote about the girl you loved and i end up crying. every time i try to drag myself out of bed, i remember lying in your bed. so i stay in bed, and pretend you’re lying next to me.
honestly, right now, i’m not happy. or sad. i’m somewhere in between, and that confuses the shit out of me.
i would send this to you, but i doubt you would care.
[you never understood how you hurt me.]"
#30 / things i couldn’t say to you.
i’m longing for something i lost, even though i’m not sure it was ever mine. i’m not sure it ever existed.